Intimacy, intimacy, intimacy

If we are not invested in our partner on an emotional level, we are not making love. To make love is to be connected on these two levels – emotional and physical. Staying connected only on a single level is to just have sex. Sometimes couples do not even realize that this is causing a problem in their relationship. Partners just know that something does not feel right. A true partnership functions as a union. This means that when you partner is depressed, stressed and discontent with something in his or her life that you find the time to attend to his or her needs. You do not just go to bed, have sex and fall asleep and then wake up and go on with the next day. When your partner’s experiences become your own concern, you will know what a true partnership is. Only then, you will find true intimacy and a fulfilling relationship. Find time to help with chores around the house. Do not read your newspaper or watch TV during dinner. Do not answer phone calls during times when the two of you are spending quality time. Find time to compliment each other. Do not neglect your appearance just because you’ve already found someone to be with. Take risks and try out new things together. Start paying closer attention to your partner’s emotional state. Break the monotony of your relationship by breaking off from your usual routine. Do not plan on being physically intimate only on weekends when you’re off. Make your partner feel desired through the week. Sex does not per se equate intimacy. For example, you may want to take your partner out to dinner on Wednesday and perhaps on Friday share physical intimacy. Try to keep things like this in your relationship unpredictable. This will take the pressure from both of you. Your partner will feel attended to and you will have less pressure to perform. Do not set a routine because as you know routines become boring. Routines are also influenced by the events in our life and we do not always have control of the external situations in life.
Use the following activity to brain storm some ideas of how to enhance your intimacy.
1. How can I become more attentive to my partner on an emotional level?

2. What do I need to do to show my partner that I really care about their emotionality?
3. How can I show more emotional affection to my partner?

Excerpt from: Couple's Communiation Made Easy (audio book)

Equality in a relationship

... a relationship should be based on equality. In relationship without equality one partner tries to control the other. Many fall into the trap of believing that their partner loves them because she or he says so. They become blind to the fact that their partner controls them through jealousy, threats, and continuous inquiry of an account of their daily activities. This is an unhealthy relationship. Being in a partnership does not constitute a loss of individuality. A healthy relationship is build upon trust.
 Use the following guide to rate how you see your partner’s governing style in your relationship.
Democratic (egalitarian)
 Making decisions together (listening to each other’s ideas)
 Respecting each other’s space/comfort zone
 Assuming mutual responsibilities for kids/pets/finances
 Allowing the other to express themselves freely (no put downs)
 Not demanding but asking
 Power is shared equally (no one is the boss of the other)
Disempowering (authoritarian) Ordering the other person around
 Disregarding the other person’s ideas
 Making decisions for the other
 Criticizing without giving positive feedback
 Demanding versus asking; physically assaulting when angry
 Expecting that things are done versus helping
Disengaged (disconnected) Not engaging in activities together
 Lack of concern; not offering to help
 Doing ones own thing
 Disregarding the other’s feelings
 Leaving the relationship openly (moving out, divorce, separation)
1. Do you notice any similarities between each other’s answers?

2. What do you think contributes to this?

If you check more than three categories in each style, it is possible that you identify your partner with that style of governing pattern. The Disempowering and Disengaged relationship styles cause the most tension between partners because they are not based on equality or concern for the other within a relationship. The Democratic style offers flexibility and ensures respect in a relationship while providing autonomy to each partner.

Excerpt from : Couple's Communication Made Easy (audio book)