We want the things that we do not have and need the things that we find important. You do not per se need to have sex every night. Maybe you want to have sex at least once a week to keep your relationship intimate.
Couples fall into the trap of mistaking their needs with wants when they do not communicate what they want. The result is miscommunication, hostility, betrayal, and discontent just to name a few. All of these scenarios can be prevented if only each partner verbalizes his or her needs in the form of feelings, expectations, desires or hopes. When you miss the right timing to express your needs, a problem of some sort arises. The problems that have always been there in one form or another can resurface at any time. It is a difficult realization for couples to accept that they prolong the existence of problems by avoiding to speak about them.
Couples often wait until their relationship is in a crisis before initiating any changes. Their relationship has started to overflow with issues that they’ve suppressed or ignored for too long thus reinforcing the cycle of miscommunication between each other.
A partner may wait for the other one to guess what he or she needs. The other however may never realize that something is wrong and will continue to act the same way or do the same things that are frustrating. For example, one partner may want the other to spend more quality time with the family by eating dinner together, playing with the children and helping around the house instead of working long hours and engaging in solitary activities. Partners make the mistake of assuming that their feelings, needs and wants should be clearly know by the other . This is not a realistic expectation. It is more practical to let your partner know how you feel and what your expectations are rather then wait for him or her to guess. Verbalizing your feelings early is going to save you frustration, disagreements and confusion later on. If you do not express your feelings on time, you may enter into an agreement of some sort with you partner that you regret later. For instance, you may relocate, buy the house you did not really want to, keep your job that you do not like just to pay bills the list goes on. Later on, mistakenly, just to unload your frustration you may blame your partner and create arguments. You will be displaying your frustration towards your partner who is not really the cause of your discontent. After all, you are the one who is responsible for your own feelings, needs, wants and ultimately- choices. Speaking up is a good way to get heard and make your needs and wants known.
From Couple's Communication Made Easy (audio book)
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